"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
