i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
