ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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