Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
