I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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