HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
