Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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