I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
