Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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