I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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