you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
