I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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