Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
