Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
