I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
