I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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