Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
