She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
