3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
