There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
