my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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