i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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