she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
