ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
