so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
they need to just BURY HIM!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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