She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
