Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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