Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
