Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
