The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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