Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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