ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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