My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
