I just made out with a guy for $7.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
There's always time for handjobs
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
