She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
