I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
