I didn't shave. On purpose
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
