also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
