In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
