Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
