Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
