I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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