Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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