dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
