If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
