happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
