So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
