my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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