get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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