Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I got inside last night via doggy door
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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