I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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