Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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