I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I cockslap morals
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
