I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Randomize
