Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
