Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Let's get the cat blown out
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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