Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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