i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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