his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
