I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
