Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
